I sat down in Momma Kim's chair this evening and I read my bible for the first time since October 10th. Yes, that is over three months ago...I've known that my spiritual life was in shambles....but, dating it like that really puts things into perspective.
I read Colossians 1-2:5. A few verses in chapter 2 really hit me:
"My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely Christ. In whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge." vs. 2-4)
I read these verses, they meant something to me.......I highlighted them & took my pen and made a box around them......and then the words impacted......and then I lost it completely.
If I read those verses, as if I am saying them.......I automatically go back to my Camp Directing self....and I automatically think of my staff and the campers.....and then I remember how heartbroken I am......
I know that God is the God of all things and that every event that comes to pass in life can be made for the good of those that love Him.....but I feel robbed. I can only now admit that I have pulled away from God these past few months because I am angry with Him.....I am angry with individuals who shall remain nameless who campaigned against Jay & myself and I am angry with myself for not being godly enough, for having leadership & spiritual flaws.....for not still being a leader to those staff and campers who meant so much to me. They are not mine, but when I read those verses in Colossians, they are automatically who I felt them for.
"My purpose......." "My purpose........" What is my purpose? I know what it was........ From May till mid-September, I was a Camp Director. My purpose was to lead and direct a meaningful ministry in an active environment where time is invested into our relationship with God all throughout the day, and His presence is really felt there. I know that when I read those words, "my purpose," that the first part of me that comes to mind is that part of me......the Camp Directing part.
I think that deep down, it's because those four months are what I am most proud of in my life. God worked through me during those four months. More than in any other part of my life, I let God work through me while we were at Luseland. And I can be bitter about the way the summer ended, and I can place blaim all over, but underneath all of that....underneath my being disappointed in myself for many, many things.......I can now admit to myself, that I am proud of what God accomplished through me at Luseland this summer......and I miss it........
"My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love....."
That really is the cry of a camp director's or mother's or minister's heart, isn't it? The verse is talking about the purpose of an individual, "My purpose..." yet, it then says, "is that they may be encouraged...." My purpose isn't to be encouraged myself.....the verse says, "My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love."
I am not a parent and I am not currently active in ministry.....but I know what it is like to have your purpose truly be that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love. That is what I prayed for and yearned for and cried for, every day......throughout the entire summer.
And there was one particular evening.....one evening, when I couldn't sleep because I knew that God wanted to do business with me. So I went to the office and I got out my bible and I read.....and all of a sudden, words and emotions and wisdom, started pouring out of me......and I wrote some of the most heartfelt words I have ever written....I wrote them to the staff......And in some of them, I addressed specific issues that were evident that I desparately believed I could relate to and convict them of and envoke change in....
Those letters are a part of why Jay & I are out of favor with our past roles as camp directors. They are only a part, but they absolutely started a string of painful and heartbreaking events.....in the end, we packed-up our car, alone, and fled......and the only place we could afford to go was Birch Hills. Ironically, we were there for four months......the exact same amount of time that was spent "working" on Luseland Camp.
Let me quote the entire passage again.....because, it means something to me. It meant something fierce to me tonight, something that opened-up a space in my soul that over the last few months was kept hidden............
"My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely Christ. In whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom & knowledge."
As Christians in this day & age, we sing about the "Cry of our hearts." Right now, at this present momment......this is mine:
To have a specific purpose acknowledged in my life
For that purpose to include a ministry to others, specific others, a ministry that can be measured
For those that I minister to, as well as myself.....to have the full riches of complete understanding
For us to know the mystery of God
And to catch a glimpse of the hidden treasures of wisdom & knowledge
The cry of my heart is to have a deep, flourishing relationship with God, to have a relationship with a group of people, likely youth, that means something to them in light of God, and to live out a purpose like what Paul is talking about in Colossians. I mean, when you think about it....Paul was just a man. He was an amazing Christian and leader......but he was just a man......and if he can write those words and mean them........regardless of them being God-breathed.......I know that I can.
........this is another reason to add to thousands, why I know that the Bible is real.....why I know that it is living & active.......because, I haven't read it in three months, I read it for five minutes, and it opens the floodgates in my soul..........WHAT OTHER BOOK IN THE WORLD HAS THE POWER TO DO THAT??!!!!!
Anyway......that's where I am tonight......how is everyone else?